there's just too much that time cannot erase__

Okie.

So I've been thinking. Thinking day and night about everything.

What to do, y'know, about my current position. It's difficult - and I just can't see how much more difficult it can be. I just don't get it. I admit I'm wrong partially but y'know, how issit like to talk bad about other people behind other people's back. I just don't find it acceptable - quixotic. (Well, if you're speaking of CTC then that'll be another situation. I mean, duh right.) It simply isn't being yourself.

And life is about forgiveness, as God had forgiven us for our sins. With no forgiveness, one will just be filled a colourless substance called Hatred. And I tell you Hatred ain't gonna take you far in life as you accumulate it.

I detest raking things up from the past but if one shall want to abide, by all means. It just means that one wants it settled - by all means. I know life can never be the same after after I say all these and I just had to say something after all those things that have happened in school. I shall settle it once and for all, through honest means - loud and clear for every soul who chanced upon my bloggie:

>>pearly: You deserve an apology from me. I was/am trying to stay a neutral party all the while but perhaps I didn't show it enough or I slipped somehow. That's where there was a misintepretation might have occurred. I cherished all the times we had as really close friends last year and in Semester One this year. I told my parents you were my best friend many times over. Though broken hearts do not neccesarily mend, I do wish I can do to my best ability. I'm sorry.(And don't worry, I don't anticipate an apology from you. Nothing of that. I just said whatever came from my heart.) It was just not easy being me and no matter how you treat me in future (or whatever you call me behind my back), I'll never regard you as an enemy. I'm sorry I wasn't all a best friend could be. Cya at Maths Trail tmr.
>>tungster: I'm sorry I ignored you sometimes in school. I had things in my mind. Truthfully, I was jealous. I hate being me. I never wanted this life. I'm just not there. I was never there. Plus, I've been thinking and thinking, and I think our friend Pearly here is/was a true friend right through. One can never be perfect. I'm not perfect either. Sorry I dao-ed you sometimes (and perhaps treated you unfairly in fact) but I sometimes, I let the bad side get the better of me.
>>jie: Umm, actually right, nothing much to say to you except you sound really dead on the phone.

It takes up alot of my courage to face the truth and make a decision. I hope I'm not taking a wrong turn in my life but I guess this is it. I've said everything sincerely from my POV.

*sHaDoWs | .leftbehind-. | .pulledalong-.

BLUE is coming to Singapore.. That very well means that Lee Ryan will be coming to Singapore.

I'm SO gonna get tix to the Best Of Blue Live Concert on the 24th September!! I SO wanna go okay. I've missed thrice and I'm SO not gonna give this last chance a miss!!

I'm just gonna have to srape and save all my money right now or beg my parents to please let me go. Omg. I so have to go. I so have to see BLUE live for once. Omg. I can't believe they're finally coming to Singapore. Omg omg omg.

>>cleo: You SO have to go with me on that Friday man!! Or else.. You would miss your once-in-a-lifetime chance to see Duncan James LIVE okie??

Well, I'd guess I had better stop this business about BLUE coz it'll just set off this LR craze all over again. Bloody.

Talking about last night. Well, I had planned to shoot a few hoops at the basktball court. So I asked my sis to tag along even though I had planned to go on about it alone - oh gosh, luckily she did. Or else who knows?? It's the 7th Lunar month for God's sake. And I was lunatic enough to want to go on all by myself. Y'know - alone - in some really deserted place. I mean, even in daytime it is already deserted. I played there just this Sunday and I know okie.

Yeah, so sisters and me were heading towards the court. We took the long way as I didn't want to risk getting bitten by snakes in the wild grass patch (those blades of grass were towering, man), especially at night, bloody, and I couldn't see properly coz of the lousy lighting.

Only our footsteps could be heard. It was as if the whole estate was muted. It was really dark on that footpath and there was almost no lighting save for one pathetic lamp post on the way. We strode past a frangipani tree and it's silhouette looked ultra menacing - believe me - and bringing in the fact that I so totally am not superstitious - duh. I was still a bit scared but I didn't want to alarm my sisters by telling them what I knew about the frangipani thing. So we walked on in silence, with me hoping I won't and couldn't smell anything perfume-y.

We were finally reaching the court when we saw this old man who just aheaded into the court. He was in sports attire and was beginning to do some stretches on the bench in the dark court. (Yes, dammit, the lights weren't on. I wanna go complain to the guard asap.)

"Oh man. The lad just got there first. Wth. We should have sprinted to the court, man."
"Yeah. whatever. Why not just go ask that man lah. Ask him whether we can share the court coz he doesn't seem to be needing the entire thing, man."
"Okay. Me and RuiO go ask him 'kay."

Yeah. So we did. And then he was behaving very awkwardly in response. Mumbling something and started making his way out. Well, nothing unusual we thought. And so we played the game in almost pitch darkness..

Just had piano lesson and I enjoyed it!! Probably still pumped up with the adrenaline from the basketball game with Janis and Cleo. Why, it was damn fun. (We had two bballs by thw way.)

Truthfully, I expected it to be a bit boring coz Jarr (lousy Jacinthaa) and Titu backed out at the last minute. Jingo also followed suit. Argh =/ However, it turned out well after all. I loved every single minute of the game. Except it wasn't a real game but shooting in balls and we really had lotsa' fun =)

Then we had this scoreboard thingy halfway through, where we counted how many balls each person can throw in in a row w/o break - a winning streak: Janis threw in 12 in a row, followed by me (half of Janis) then Cleo =) Also, practised passing.

Before we even headed to the court - which was a real court after all, I realise - we spent about half an hour or so talking about other people's houses. Well, the descriptions of Isabella and Janis's cousin's houses left me awestruck. Imagine an amphitheatre in a house. A built-in pond. Personal jacuzzi. Hmph. So envious. Lol.

Hope I'll see them next week again =) Yayy. It was a delightful way of destressing and I can get to be more tan!! =) +god bless

I'm so not gonna care about anything else other than my studies and practising the piano coz they're the only things that give me (a weird kind of) contentment - momentarary happiness that is.

I'm so gonna fling everything else away from my mind. I'm not gonna let my thoughts stray into foreign territory anymore. I'd realised that for the good of myself and another party, it's just better if I know the boundaries.

It's already been said - and I think the person is so right about everything. I'll just use up all my time studying and probably not come online as often as usual. If I've got a target, I had better work towards it. Even Papa doesn't come online as often anymore, unlike the beginning of the year.

I realise that it somehow and in another sort of way, implies to my life now. Well, not saying life now fits the description above exactly or sth but y'know - get the idea.

The days are jumbled up into a sort of illusion - "Now girls, the theme for this scene is mainly on Illusion vs. Reailty.." - a living fantasy.

It's a fantastical nightmare. There are scattered random stations in Time that supply the momentary happiness that lifts you up into Cloud Nine. This is where my results come in - they provide the minimal joy essential for my life to continue.

Then after the illusions' effects have vanished, all you're left with is the sorry truth to face again. Really. No wonder some people used to say life is one hell of a rollercoaster - "So, in plotting the distance-time graph for the Object P, there is a curve upwards all the way to 10am and then the object stops travelling for a period of five minutes. Then a steep curve down again when it approaches its destination..". That's how it is. Worse still: How is it that when you have no destination.. And you can't escape. You can't run from it. It burns whole right through your confused heart. The emotions and feelings built up and gathered inside over time provides all the energy for the wild fire. It burns. All that is left behind are ashes of pain and sorrow.